i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
