shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
