Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
