Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
