Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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