dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
