I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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