i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
