maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
