Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
