I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
