Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
