Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize