I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
