Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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