Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
