Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
