i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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