turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
