ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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