Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
