i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
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