I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
All the doctor said was why
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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