I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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