But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
