Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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