No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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