i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I don't deserve a penis
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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