Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
