PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
