Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
