I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Apparently you make a good broom.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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