: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
