And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
