Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
