Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Randomize
