We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
