I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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