Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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