I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize