Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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