Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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