Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize