I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
