i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
