Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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