Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
