All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
