you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
