so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
