from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
