im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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