brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
