using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
