Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
