Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
