I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
