Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
