Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
