I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Blood and glitter go together right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
