I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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