Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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