No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
